I’ve been single for over two years now. Something I’d never imagined I’d be.At 30, I had imagined that I’d be married to someone. Sure, there have been many men, here and there but no one really who made quite an impact in my life. Enter Mr polyamary.
It’s been 5 months that we’ve been seeing each other. While I did not know he identified as poly on the first date, he eventually told me by the third date, and boy, was I pissed. My understanding of polyamary at that point was limited to fuckboys using a fancy term to fuck as many people as need be, ugly people(i’m sorry) and hippies. The idea that he wanted to love many people seemed absurd, even idiotic.
The journey so far has not been easy. We’ve had so many conversations on the topic, and at this point I’m at the brink of ending it. Even with all the research I’ve done on the topic, poly relationships don’t seem to make a lot of sense to me. Isn’t one relationship hard enough, how can one manage 2,3 or sometimes 4 more relationships at the same time? How does one deal with the jealousy? How does one deal with the insecurities?
But as much as I want to end things, there have been good times, great times infact. He is a great listener, he’s taught me so many new things(apart from polyamary), and we’ve had some incredible times together. So my question to the world is, it is worth it?
I still can’t believe I took such a long hiatus since my last post. What have I been upto in that time? Well, I joined a new job for starters, travelled to Cambodia,Vietnam,Dubai and I’m finally here. Well rested. Well maybe I’ve been a bit stressed lately, but hopefully things will calm down.
In the meanwhile,let me tell you about the lovely weekend I had at Varkala during the last long weekend. Now I’m originally from Kerala, and I’ve been dyiiiing to go there since the longest time. Well, me and my friends were finally able to make the trip, and boy was it worth it!
It started with a bus journey from Bangalore and might I add, a really really long bus journey to Trivandrum. We made a short pit stop at a friends place at Trivandrum, and this was the view from her apartment. Fabulous, isn’t it?
We then took a cab till Varkala and landed at the place we had booked. A place called Nalukettu Heritage Resort. Now, I don’t think the place classifies as a resort. It’s more inclined towards being a home stay.No frills. Nothing fancy, but it was run by a sweet couple named Midhun and arathi, who went beyond their way to make the stay lovely. More about that later.
Once we had freshened up, we headed over to the beach of course. The beach is a 9 min walk from the place we stayed, but we later came to know that there were many other hotels available on the cliff and they all seemed to be a bit nicer than the place we had chosen. Oh well.
Day one was basically just spent on the beach, and the cliff. And of course, a lot of food. Seafood!!
Now day 2 was definitely the highlight of the trip. After having talked to the owner Midhun, he said he would take us on a boat to an island.We were super pumped about this, but before we headed there, we obviously had to wake up for the sunrise.
So we headed to the beach at 6am, did some yoga,got back, had breakfast, and then headed for our mini adventure.
Now, forgive me for this, but I don’t honestly recall the name of the place that we ended up at but boy was it exquisite. Midhun had asked us to pack our swimsuits as there was an area we could go swimming in. Now if you have followed by last blog posts, you’d know that I just learned swimming. So I jump at any opportunity that presents itself where I do get to swim.
I mean I will never ever forget this part of the trip. To be the only ones swimming in the backwaters, and feeling the water around me, the mud beneath my feet. It was indeed an exquisite feeling.We spend a good 3 hours just swimming, and having fun, and by 3 pm, we were dead hungry. Midhun being the gracious host that he was decided to us to a Kallu shappu( Toddy shop). This is basically a place that the locals go to for fiery beef fry and kerala porotta and of course toddy combination. Slurp(for those who don’t know, toddy is liquor made from Coconuts)
The place we went to was called Velliyazcha Kavu.We ended up ordering, fish, beef, chicken, kappa,and Kerala porotta
After this, we headed back to our stay for a siesta, and then by 6, headed out again to see the sunset and to also visit the Varkala aquarium.
Since we had a heavy dinner, we decided to skip it and go for desserts instead and headed to Cafe del Mar. My advice. Please don’t go there. The service is run by some lazy ass waiters who honestly shouldn’t be working as waiters.We went back again to Coffee temple to have our Banoffe Pie but it was a little disappointing this time around. Overall, a bad night! Headed back home a tad disappointed.
This was our lazy last day.Once again, we woke up, had a lazy stroll at the beach, headed to another beach. By 3, we headed back to the cliff for a long lunch by the beach. By 5, it was time to wrap things up and get back home.
I know this wasn’t a long trip, but for those of you who are wondering whether to include Varkala in your travel itinerary, I would say hell yes! I urge you to go. And maybe stay longer than we did. 🙂
The first thing that went through my mind while I typed in the name for the post was Rihanna’s new song. Wild wild wild thoughts. Good song eh? Well, look at me rambling away and moving away from the topic. Anyhow, where was I?
2016 was probably the year I lost my sanity work wise.And 2017 will be the year I got my bearings back. Well, sort of.
I’m not saying this year has been easy.It has had it’s fair share of ups and downs, but it also goes down as the year in which I was able to silence the voices in my head. You know what I’m talking about don’t you? The voices that make you question if you are good enough.
This was how a normal internal dialogue would look like
Me: Why did I say that? I’m such an idiot
Me: Hmm, my boyfriend hasn’t replied to my message.Maybe he’s cheating on me
Me:Should I text him again? No, i’ll come off as desperate. But seriously, why isn’t he texting
Me: Why would he do this to me? Maybe it was something I did. Maybe I’m not good enough
Yep, this was a just a tiny glimpse into my usual state of mind.However, things have changed since then.I’ve slowly been able to silence the demons.It hasn’t been easy, but these days I wake up with a sense of gratitude. I’ve changed my thought process from today’s going to be a horrible day, to today is going to be the best day of my life.Why is this important you may ask?
It’s because thoughts lead to emotions which in turn leads to action. Simple isn’t it?
The last couple of months have been filled with a flurry of activity
After months of cursing and wondering why I wasn’t getting a job, I got three job offers.I decided to go with the one that made most sense-in terms of long term career growth.And boy, do I regret it now.While I do enjoy the job, my manager drives me up the wall.If I had to describe him in one word, I’d call him an asshole.
I could feel myself drifting back to the world of self pity and sadness.I would hit snooze every time the alarm went off and think to myself, is this even worth it? I knew I had to do something that would make waking up worth it. So what did I do? Well, I joined swimming classes.
The first day of class, I woke up at 5am, sat on my bed and had this sinking feeling in the gut of my stomach.
“What if I hate this too? What if I suck? What if everyone else there is going to be younger than me? What if the others laugh at me?”
I wanted to go back to sleep right then, but I somehow made it to class.An hour later, I realised this was the best decision I had ever made.There were people in their 60’s, there were people who were fighting their fear of water, there were people who were recovering from accidents.I was inspired.I enjoyed being in the water. I also had something to look forward to every morning and although I still hate looking at my asshole managers face, learning how to swim did something for me, that I haven’t felt in a long time.
Learning how to swim gave me purpose. 🙂
P.S : Anyone hiring for an account manager? I’m your lady. 😛
Despite my determination to keep this blog alive and active, I often get carried away by life! I’ve recently quit my second job,and have been taking a break from a lot of things. The place I worked in and the friends that I’ve made are two of the top things I’ve been keeping a distance from.
Why? I have no clue. I feel like my life isn’t as fulfilling as I would like it to be. I’ve been in Bangalore for over 7 years now, and witnessed the steady decline of the city that I once loved. The insane traffic, the sudden influx of people( most of whom I can’t stand), the waste disposal issues, the weather changes and so many other things. I feel like I need a fresh start in life. In a new place where I know none. I’ve been trying of course.I’ve given about 3 interviews in the past two months. I’m tired of the never ending rounds of interviews, the wait that follows, only to know that you have another round! It’s almost like a cycle isn’t it?
The only progress I have made so far is with my anxiety. I’ve been able to do a better job at keeping it at bay this time.But of course there are many things that do worry me.Will I survive this round of unemployment with positive results, will I be able to achieve the vision that ive built for myself, will I survive?
Sometime back, I was going through a shitty phase.I was travelling overnight, when the guy next to me noticed that I’m in tears. He asked me if everything is alright, and I say “not really”. I don’t know why, but he assumes someone close to me must have died. He then went on to tell me his story.About how he lost his girlfriend of around 5 years to an accident, and how he did not know how he would get over it. He says that its been a couple of years since her death, and he is set to get engaged to his best friend/now girlfriend the very next day, and that no matter how bad things may seem now, it is not going to last forever. That I will get over it.I shrug and say “I hope that’s true”. He says trust me, it will. I wished him all the best for his engagement, and he assured me once again.I smiled.And we said our goodbye as he alighted from the bus.
I saw that stranger again today. Needless to say he did not recognize me.I told him about the night we met, and he has a huge smile on his face.He says “You look happy, and I’m guessing you are over your bad phase whatever it was. And I say yes.” We both laugh and exchange pleasantries.
See that’s the thing. Life isn’t easy. You might lose someone you love, you might lose your job, you might be suicidal, but all you have to do is believe that in time things will be alright. And If it isn’t yet, it will be in time.And trust me. It will.