Thoughts

The first thing that went through my mind while I typed in the name for the post was Rihanna’s new song. Wild wild wild thoughts. Good song eh? Well, look at me rambling away and moving away from the topic. Anyhow, where was I?

Ah yes.

2016 was probably the year I lost my sanity work wise.And 2017 will be the year I got my bearings back. Well, sort of.

I’m not saying this year has been easy.It has had it’s fair share of ups and downs, but it also goes down as the year in which I was able to silence the voices in my head. You know what I’m talking about don’t you? The voices that make you question if you are good enough.

This was how a normal internal dialogue would look like

Me: Why did I say that? I’m such an idiot

Me: Hmm, my boyfriend hasn’t replied to my message.Maybe he’s cheating on me

Me:Should I text him again? No, i’ll come off as desperate. But seriously, why isn’t he texting

Me: Why would he do this to me? Maybe it was something I did. Maybe I’m not good enough

Yep, this was a just a tiny glimpse into my usual state of mind.However, things have changed since then.I’ve slowly been able to silence the demons.It hasn’t been easy, but these days I wake up with a sense of gratitude. I’ve changed my thought process from today’s going to be a horrible day, to today is going to be the best day of my life.Why is this important you may ask?

It’s because thoughts lead to emotions which in turn leads to action. Simple isn’t it?

It took me 28 years to figure that out. 🙂

 

I learned how to swim-at 28

The last couple of months have been filled with a flurry of activity

After months of cursing and wondering why I wasn’t getting a job, I got three job offers.I decided to go with the one that made most sense-in terms of long term career growth.And boy, do I regret it now.While I do enjoy the job, my manager drives me up the wall.If I had to describe him in one word, I’d call him an asshole.

I could feel myself drifting back to the world of self pity and sadness.I would hit snooze every time the alarm went off and think to myself, is this even worth it? I knew I had to do something that would make waking up worth it. So what did I do? Well, I joined swimming classes.

The first day of class, I woke up at 5am, sat on my bed and had this sinking feeling in the gut of my stomach.

“What if I hate this too? What if I suck? What if everyone else there is going to be younger than me? What if the others laugh at me?”

I wanted to go back to sleep right then, but I somehow made it to class.An hour later, I realised this was the best decision I had ever made.There were people in their 60’s, there were people who were fighting their fear of water, there were people who were recovering from accidents.I was inspired.I enjoyed being in the water. I also had something to look forward to every morning and although I still hate looking at my asshole managers face, learning how to swim did something for me, that I haven’t felt in a long time.

Learning how to swim gave me purpose. 🙂

P.S : Anyone hiring for an account manager? I’m your lady. 😛

 

 

 

Pondicherry-Where France meets India

I’ve been to Pondicherry or Pondi as people fondly call it, a couple of times.The first time was when I was in college.I remember hitting the beaches of Auroville, and almost drowning.

This visit thankfully was a bit less dangerous than the first one.After the wedding revelry in Chennai came to an end,me and my college friends decided to head to Pondi for a very small weekend getaway trip.

We didn’t have a lot planned honestly, as this was supposed to be a weekend where we did absolutely nothing. So after having a quick breakfast at our stay(Coromandel heritage), we headed to Pondicherry Museum. Now, I’ll be honest and say this. It was an absolute let down. The place was in shambles, and the artefacts were in various states of decay.If you’ve got a short visit planned like us, then by all means please avoid the museum.

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We then ambled around, took a few photos in front of the governors residence which I may add is a beautiful building in itself, and also stepped into a church on the way.What I do love about Pondicherry is that at times you feel like you are in some part of France. You’ll catch small bits of conversations happening in French,pass by street names in French, beautiful French architecture, and also savour French food.The remnants are everywhere.

Later,we headed out for a boat ride that was arranged by a local near Promenade beach.On arriving, we found that we would be getting into a fishing boat with no life jacket whatsoever.The memories of me almost drowning did come to mind, but I pushed through it. After all,what else can you expect for 1500Rs, so we got onto the boat.It was definitely worth it, and we got to see a close up of the old harbour.After two hours of getting burnt in the sun, we headed back to the hotel,freshened up and then walked to a little french cafe called cafes des arts. We were infact the only Indians in the place when we arrived, and so assumed the food would be authentic.I can’t speak for the others, but I did like my crepes.

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The rest of the evening was spent doing nothing. We walked to the promenade, sat there for a good two hours, and then ambled along.We happend to glimpse upon the Alliance Francaise in Pondicherry, and lo and behold, they were playing a French movie. So we got in, and spent the next hour and half watching the movie(which had sub titles thankfully). By the time, we stepped out it was around 11, and realised that all places would shut soon. So we ran from restaurant to restaurant and got kicked out by everyone of them, until we found one place that would take us in for 20% extra. We took the bait.

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The next morning, my friends woke up early to catch the sunrise(I slept in), and then we headed to baker’s street,the famous french cafe. Unfortunately for us, the service that day was horrible, and the food wasn’t as great as expected either.

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What followed after was another lazy day, followed by driving down to Chennai to catch our respective flights, trains and buses to head back home.

I’m back or am I?

Despite my determination to keep this blog alive and active, I often get carried away by life! I’ve recently quit my second job,and have been taking a break from a lot of things. The place I worked in and the friends that I’ve made are two of the top things I’ve been keeping a distance from.
Why? I have no clue. I feel like my life isn’t as fulfilling as I would like it to be. I’ve been in Bangalore for over 7 years now, and witnessed the steady decline of the city that I once loved. The insane traffic, the sudden influx of people( most of whom I can’t stand), the waste disposal issues, the weather changes and so many other things. I feel like I need a fresh start in life. In a new place where I know none. I’ve been trying of course.I’ve given about 3 interviews in the past two months. I’m tired of the never ending rounds of interviews, the wait that follows, only to know that you have another round! It’s almost like a cycle isn’t it?
The only progress I have made so far is with my anxiety. I’ve been able to do a better job at keeping it at bay this time.But of course there are many things that do worry me.Will I survive this round of unemployment with positive results, will I be able to achieve the vision that ive built for myself, will I survive?

Don’t call. Just message

article-2103456-11c80587000005dc-203_468x497Today, I’m going to talk about my morbid hatred of phone calls. Every time I hear the phone ring, I am filled with anxiety. In fact my hatred is so intense that in my 6 months of long distance relationship, I have called my boyfriend only once.We whatsapp all the time, and it helps that he doesn’t like talking much either.

If I had to talk about myself, I would say that I’m a relatively social person. I’m not scared of social encounters. In fact there have been many times when I have thrived in them.Does this mean I have a different sort of social anxiety? Is it because I can’t see the person I’m talking to? Do i feel like they may be judging ? I still don’t know.

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What’s your take?

A bit of sunshine

Sometime back, I was going through a shitty phase.I was travelling overnight, when the guy next to me noticed that I’m in tears. He asked me if everything is alright, and I say “not really”. I don’t know why, but he assumes someone close to me must have died. He then went on to tell me his story.About how he lost his girlfriend of around 5 years to an accident, and how he did not know how he would get over it. He says that its been a couple of years since her death, and he is set to get engaged to his best friend/now girlfriend the very next day, and that no matter how bad things may seem now, it is not going to last forever. That I will get over it.I shrug and say “I hope that’s true”. He says trust me, it will. I wished him all the best for his engagement, and he assured me once again.I smiled.And we said our goodbye as he alighted from the bus.

I saw that stranger again today. Needless to say he did not recognize me.I told him about the night we met, and he has a huge smile on his face.He says “You look happy, and I’m guessing you are over your bad phase whatever it was. And I say yes.” We both laugh and exchange pleasantries.

See that’s the thing. Life isn’t easy. You might lose someone you love, you might lose your job, you might be suicidal, but all you have to do is believe that in time things will be alright. And If it isn’t yet, it will be in time.And trust me. It will.

5 things to do when you are unemployed

So, I realized that it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I was going through a phase, a bad one. Long story short. I was jobless for roughly two months, and I’m not anymore.Now that I’ve written it down, it doesn’t seem so bad. But while I was jobless, it seemed like the worst stage of life to be in.

Since it was my first time being jobless, I had absolutely NO CLUE as to what to do with my life. My daily routine was suddenly replaced with nothing. I would wake up and have absolutely nothing to do. I avoided meeting people, stopped going out, and drove myself practically insane,and almost broke up with my boyfriend. Here is what I would suggest to someone who has recently lost their job:

  1. Create a routine for yourself: This is key. And it probably the toughest to do.After a month of moping around, I decided to join a language class.This forced me to wake up early, and gave me a purpose. After classes, I would head to breakfast, and then go back home, and scour the internet for jobs.I started cooking, exercising, and at times, I would meet a friend.
  2. Let people know about whats going on: When you are jobless, it is easy to shut yourself from the world, and go into a mode of depression. Talk to people. Let people know what you are going through. Who knows, your friends might know a company or an HR person who is looking out for someone.
  3. Take a break(if you have the money): While I was jobless, my friends decided to go on a trip. Initially, I decided not to go, but then I took a look at my finances, spoke to my boyfriend and decided that it would be good for me. I knew I had enough money for at least the next 3 months and that the break would help me unwind, and take a break from the incessant job hunting. Now that I look back, I am glad I went.
  4. Be prepared for unexpected rejections and don’t stop looking when you have scored one interview: I’ve lost count of the number of times I had interviewed, and gotten rejected. Some interviews would go really well, and the next day, I’d get a rejection email, and boy, did it stink! You experience cold shoulders from HR’s who said they would get back to you.The more rejections you face, the more dejected you become, and you start losing the confidence you had earlier.You start imagining that there might be something wrong with you. . The more this happens, the more dejected you become.My word of advice would be to not put all your eggs in one basket and stop looking at  other jobs once you have had an interview.Always keep looking TILL you have a solid offer in hand.
  5. Don’t dwell on things that didn’t work: It would happen so often that after a good      interview with no offer, I’d obsess about it. I’d wonder why I didn’t get the call. I’d      picture in my head what I might have said that resulted me in not getting the call.        DON’T DO THIS. This isn’t helpful at all, and might even effect your future interviews.Focus on the present. Always!

In the end , know that this phase is temporary. Know that good times will come, and if you are still jobless even after 2-3 months, take up an internship, volunteer somewhere, learn something new, blog about it. The point is do something! Anything! But don’t let it kindle your spirit!